Beginning

November 21, 2008

The group is diverse, from teens to octogenarians, including folks I haven't been in touch with for a while. But you all have a common denominator: some fondness, or perhaps even love, for me. Or so I think. It's with that heady assumption that I include you in my group to share this Thing.

Perhaps some of you watched the series "Six Feet Under," or even, like me, was addicted to it. See link to watch the 4 minute clip of the final scene of the final episode. Just last week I felt like Claire, driving off to find her Destiny. Minus the fact that she's 20 and I'm 49 and I don't have a Prius.

For those who know what's going on, bear with me as I bring the others up to speed. I'm in an HBO TV series called "Five Feet, Three Inches and Over Forty" and it's the first episode and I'm off to find my Destiny. In a freakish plot twist, I begin where Claire left off. Last Thursday I left Asheville, NC where I'd been living since April 2007 with my mother. My "plan" is west, south, southwest and north. After that I should be in the Seattle area and if I don't find Destiny by then, I'll start referring to geographical directions as "right, left, up and down," as in "I'll turn right and try Montana."

As some know, my resources are limited, or to use politico-corporate vernacular, "challenged." However, in this early, honeymoon phase of my journey I prefer to focus on what I do have: A 1999 Toyota Corolla with insurance paid till March; a credit card (I just found out that I qualify for a $17,000 home equity loan! If only I had a home); a good brain; street smarts; a gaggle of good friends; good health; a supportive family; an open attitude; a positive spirit; and faith in myself.

The decision to do This (whatever "this" is) came in an inspired moment during a recent trip to Wichita, KS. It should come as no surprise that this occurred in Wichita, since Wichita has always been the Mecca for human inspiration. As many of you know, I spent 23 years in Wichita. When I moved away 3 years ago, I left a storage unit of belongings. The purpose of my recent trip was to resolve the storage unit (mission accomplished). So there I was on a balmy, sunny day in early September, walking along the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-sas) (really), whose normally low and muddy waters were overflowing the banks, due to a recent rainstorm. I was listening to snappy music by Velvet Truckstop, in fact the very song you'll hear by going to the link. Suddenly, out of the blue, a series of thoughts came into my consciousness and before I could argue, over think or second-guess (all of which I'm quite skilled at), voila! It's time to leave Asheville. It was powerful, resonant. And now, two months later, I can add enduring.

Then I thought, "Wait a minute. What about Mom? I can't just leave her." Lickity split the answer came, "She doesn't need care.....she needs rides." My sister and her family are here, so I’m not abandoning Mom. I'd never questioned my assumed moral obligation, but clearly the circumstances were different than in Stamford. I decided to leave Asheville.

I'll spare you the gory details of the ensuing, relentless onslaught of fears, which rose up with surprising alacrity, gave me insomnia, and fought me every step of the way. They're a tenacious, opportunistic lot, and, who knows, probably lurk in the shadows indefinitely. I returned to Asheville to prepare for my departure, and immediately began questioning my decision to leave. Daily. After all, the only thing I "knew" was that it was time to go. But did I even know that? Does Inspiration count? I always returned to what I felt in that moment. Of course Fear would argue, "Well you feel ME! Living in a sewer drain is real!" Arguing with Fear is exhausting. Then I discerned the difference, which, so far has shut Fear up on this point. Not counting life-or-death moments, Fear comes after fearful thoughts, in that order. Conversely, my inspired decision came from something other than my own thoughts. Thus, I conclude, fear is not real, but it is a clever saboteur.

There are a few down sides to what I'm doing. Normal conversation, for example, is different these days. It's hard to think of new ways to say "I don't know." There's also the quandary of what to call this Thing I'm Doing. Not having a name for it creates a discomfort in others because they don't know how to react. "How exciting!" "Tell me you are NOT sleeping in your car.." "Sounds nice." "hmmmm.." Some have said they wish they could do this. Really? Come on!!!

My first stop was Kansas City, where I visited two dear friends and now I'm back in Wichita, the Land of Inspiration. In fact, I did make my next major decision here a few days ago, which is to remain in Kansas through the Christmas holidays so I can see my kids. I'm staying with Joyce and Richard for now and am happy, safe and grateful.

On that positive note I say farewell. Love to everyone, Alison